Game Theory of Being a Gentleman

A link from Wenyao. Applying some game theory into how to be a gentleman. Pretty interesting, and a good advice.

The game theory of being a gentleman

At a cocktail party, I got up from the table to grab a finger sandwich.

My date said, “Oh, can you grab one for me?”

There were turkey and vegetarian options, so I asked, “Which one do you want?”

To which she smiled and replied, “Hmm, I don’t know.”

And there I was in the classic dilemma of trying to read a woman’s mind. I was expected to make this trivial choice which no doubt would have non-trivial consequences.

A true gentleman would know what to do, but that’s easier said than done. So I mulled over a few options before making a decision.


Option 1: flip a coin to decide

My first approach was logical. Surely if she had a preference, then she would have simply told me. Therefore she must have been indifferent, and that’s why she didn’t know.

If I took her literally, then it would be suitable to flip a coin to decide.

The most logical conclusion, however, is clearly the most foolish choice, for two reasons.

First, it is likely she did have a preference. When she said she didn’t know, she meant she expected me to know and figure it out.

Second, even if she truly were indifferent, flipping a coin seems cold and thoughtless. Even if I reasoned poorly and chose the wrong option, it at least would show that I gave it thought. And thought matters a lot in these kinds of things.

So all in all flipping a coin is a poor choice, and I came to the next conclusion.

Option 2: bring one vegetarian, one turkey

Like most guys, I felt I’d be safer if I took myself out the equation.

I thought: hey, I’ll just bring both for her and let her choose. I’ll take the one she doesn’t want.

Sound great, right? Of course, as every guy will tell you, this sounds better in theory than in practice.

We all know what actually happens. You bring both options and then she asks oh so innocently, “Thanks, which one do you want?”

It’s one of the many trick questions in life. On the one hand, it’s a grave mistake to admit you want one or the other. She might think your choice indicates one is better and she’ll press why you didn’t bring two of the “good” one. On the other hand, it’s even worse to say you don’t have a preference. She either won’t believe you, thinking you would have preferred one or the other, or she’ll spend several minutes deliberating.

If, eventually, she does pick first, and she truly loves what she picked, you’re still in trouble. Why? Because she might feel guilty that she took the one you wanted.

So again, a well-intentioned option, but it’s ultimately short-sighted.

Option 3: bring two vegetarian, two turkey

This is what I eventually went with, so let me explain why.

I figured this option had all the benefits of option 2 because she could pick either one she wanted.

But it had one advantage: the surplus of food meant she could pick either option without depriving me. Regardless of what she picked, there would be more of that same option for me.

Or, if she was truly undecided, she could try both and eat the one she wanted. And I’d still be able to eat what I wanted.

So I proceeded with this choice. I brought the plate to the table and she predictably said, “Thanks for bringing it. Which one do you want?”

I told her I brought two of each so she could pick either one without guilt. She was quite happy and took the vegetarian sandwich, and I felt relieved the decision worked out.

Of course, there was one clear downside to all of this. I was left with three sandwiches when all I really wanted was one. Since I’ve been raised not to waste food, I ended up scarfing down two extra finger sandwiches.

I was amused that after all that work, ultimately, I didn’t get what I wanted. But hey, like I said before, it’s not easy being a gentleman.